There are dozens of symptoms related to menopause, many of them easily identified, like erratic periods and hot flashes. Some symptoms are more common than others but mostly we all hear the usual stories and perhaps wonder vaguely which side-effects will show up for us when the time comes.
I’ve written about my journey through different stages of menopause and shared my experiences trying various methods of Hormone Replacement Therapy. Fortunately, I had good results in the end, well once I found the right delivery method and dosage. It was a steep learning curve by trial and error where I endured random bleeding throughout the course of about five years.
Fortunately, I’m in a good place now, a happy medium of meds if you will, that is more due to my own perseverance and research than anything a doctor did. I suppose there’s a sense of achievement in that but if I’m honest, I would have preferred a swift diagnosis with a prescription that was bang on my needs to the rigmarole of taking different pill strengths, patch sizes and even the terrible mistake of fitting the Mirena. That decision not only set me back emotionally it also gave me a year-long bleed as my poor uterus recovered.
Now 52, having miraculously survived the journey to stage 3 of menopause unscathed, finally, I get what all the fuss is about.
“I’m what is known as perimenopausal. “Peri”, some of you may know, is a Latin prefix meaning ‘SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN’ PIE HOLE”
THE STORM BEFORE THE CALM
Let’s rewind for a quick recap – I was well and truly in perimenopause before I had the foggiest about what was going on. My crippling anxiety was literally palpable. Terrifying episodes where I felt detached from my body, frequently scared the living hell out of me. They became so horrendous, I stopped driving more than a few kilometers from home for fear of crashing the car and killing my children. Of course in my mind, this scenario played out to the full, with the blackest of endings where I survived to bury all three of my babies. Unimaginable torture imagined none the less. Yep, that kind of dark thinking was part of the peri too.
What’s more, I would forget what I was doing while I was actually doing it. This is well beyond slow memory recall, trust me, that’s a doddle compared to this. Imagine a complete absence of information, blank for minutes, nothing at all, a vacuum where your brain used to be. It’s no wonder I feared early-onset Dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. With my mind playing tricks on me and my random bouts of inexplicable rage, I was in a living hell.
In truth, anxiety is often a side-effect of perimenopause. However, most of us don’t know this until we’re suffering from it. Naturally, at first, it’s tempting to blame normal stressors of daily life but as the instances of high-level anxiety increase, life, in general, becomes unbearable to navigate. Even getting through an ordinary day seems insurmountable. If you add young children into that equation you can triple the effect. As with any taboo subject, it’s difficult to source accurate information. Consequently, perimenopause came as an enormous shock to me. I later discovered most Women consider perimenopause the worst of the three stages of menopause due to the unexpected psychological symptoms.
I’m convinced the fear of what these symptoms may reveal is directly linked to the fact that women don’t discuss them. It’s crazy (wrong word?) to think how easily I could’ve treated my perimenopause if only I knew what it was! By 48, almost catatonic with fear, I finally visited my doctor and had my hormone levels checked. When I admitted I wasn’t coping with normal everyday problems the true culprit was revealed – boring old hormones or more accurately the lack thereof.
In the end, taking back my sanity was simply a matter of mixing the right combination of estrogen and progesterone that my body lacked. When I eventually nailed that sexy cocktail, a really wonderful thing began to happen.
“Menopause – A pause while you reconsider men”
Margaret Atwood
POST MENOPAUSE ENLIGHTENMENT
Turning 50 was honestly the best birthday I’ve ever had. Better than my 21st which I spent backpacking around Europe, better than my 30th when I partied hard in a Sydney nightclub ’til I passed out and even better than my 40th which I celebrated with my dearest girlfriends at my favourite London restaurant – In between pumping breastmilk for baby number two BAM!. Yes, indeed it’s hard to believe that my 50th birthday was better than all of those wonderful, empowering birthdays of self-discovery, but it was. Not only spoilt rotten with generous gifts from my family and friends, but I was also about to embark on a stupendous journey. Quite unknowingly I began what I now like to refer to as the woke years. Hahaha no I don’t! That’s a joke. Well, kind of a joke although the sentiment is absolutely accurate.
My journey of enlightenment encapsulates how I feel about the world and the people around me. It’s the final acceptance of the person I’ve become while acknowledging I can still be better. You see by my forties I thought I’d accepted who am I, warts and all. Defiantly shouting “Hey people this is me, like it or lump it!” But that wasn’t entirely true. I did want the world to like me and I was quite upset when sometimes it didn’t. It’s easy to deny niggling self-doubt, to push it very deep down into the depths of one’s soul. Whilst on the face of it showing the world how utterly fearless I am. Wait a second what good is that! Who am I protecting here?
There was no epiphany or Ah-ha moment I can specifically date but it is tangible. Today I feel differently about myself and the world I inhabit. I’ve grown some, even in just two short years, although you probably can’t tell from the outside. It’s actually a gradual process that started slowly in my twenties, gained traction in my thirties and forties and finally pinged around 50. Suddenly I’m aware of my personal agency. The way I react to or anticipate, other people’s perceptions, IS DOWN TO ME not them or their views. I wouldn’t call it not giving a fuck because that implies I don’t care. Indeed I care very much what people say and do, I just don’t take it personally anymore.
LET’S TALK ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Menopause can happen at any age so it’s really important to be informed as much as possible before you start experiencing symptoms. I’d hate to see anyone else taken by surprise like I was. While we have a safe and open community of Women here on the blog there is always more to learn so I’d like to introduce you to a brilliant website called Disrupt Aging. This site is a terrific source of information and a forum for transparent discussion and education.
“Disrupt Aging is a place to have a new conversation — often funny, sometimes raw, always honest — about how we want to live and age.
We will partner with companies and communities to create new solutions that work for all of us at any age. And we will get this story — our story — out there. It’s time to change the conversation.”
P.S. My dear friend Lisa has just published her personal experience with extreme anxiety. On her blog, The Sequinist, she also shares a lot of excellent tips for coping with anxiety and relieving symptoms.
*Disclosure – This post is made possible with support from AARP’s Disrupt Aging. Of course, as always all opinions are my own.
DRESS by Ray Darten from Armoire rental website that you can learn more about in this post.
Comments ( 19 )
Lisa the Sequinist
OH Michelle. I’m so deeply grateful to you for your first menopause blog post several years ago. It is ONLY because of that post that I had any idea that the frightening symptoms I was experiencing might possible be perimenopause related. There are some symptoms no one seems to discuss. If you don’t have hot flushes, who’d even KNOW what was going on with your body?
As you move forward, I am literally right behind you, benefitting from your excellent research, your trial and error, and the wisdom you share. You inspired me to share my own bewildering journey, which I’m still on (gritting teeth).
On a side note, GOOD LORD you look amazing in that dress!!!
Love and gratitude, Lisa xxx
Asun
Thank you so much! Your menopost had been very usefull and powerfull for me
MT
Hi Asun, thank you for leaving a comment. It’s always good to read when I can help someone going through menopause. I hope you stick around x
Lizzy
Brilliant, brilliant post Michelle. Brava Bella. And as Lisa says, you look amazing. I’m so pleased you’re reached such a happy place in your journey xxx
MT
Aw thanks Liz, I appreciate that xx
MT
Lisa your post about your terrible high anxiety will help so many people who suffer in silence. I really admire your candor and the advice is superb. I’m incredibly grateful we have each other dear heart xxx
FatIma
I love this! I’m going back to my doctors after reading this. My anxiety and the detachment thing is unreal. Thank you MT. Xxx
MT
You have that detachment FT? It’s wicked isn’t it? Really messed with my head for far too long. I’m so glad you’re going back to the doctor. Let us know how you get on and what action you decide to take. Good luck mate!
Karen
Gosh Michelle, this was an amazing read. You are so honest and as a result have probably helped more people than you could ever imagine ( me included !)
I know exactly what you mean about the fragile feeling and the memory thing !!
People are sometimes so unkind to each other and a few times I have took comments and gestures and escalated them into a mini drama….all because of my menopause brain. Your comment that how we react to others is so true and its one to remember for sure.
I am so happy you have found some HRT that works for you, sadly I tried many doses and types and for some reason they didn’t agree with me. However, I sometimes feel I have weathered the worst of the storm, though I am embarking on investigations into alternative medication. (Distraction has been an enormous help to me……moving house into a new semi rural location !!! )
Thanks again for a brilliant read,
Take care xx
p.s. you look so beautiful in that dress
MT
Oh I’m so happy my post helps, even if just knowing you’re not alone. I know hrt isn’t for everyone and of course our bodies can react differently to doses too. I’m please you’re still looking for alternatives though, as you say the distraction is good. Also there’s a lot to be said about diet but that’s a whole blog post. In any case I’m sure you’ve researched how different foods contain bio identical hormones and certain vitamins and minerals deplete in menopause so even changing eating habits has a big impact. Actually I find sugar is very bad for me now. I crash immediately after I have cake and never touch sweets any more because of how low I feel afterwards.
Keep us up to date with your progress and get plenty of sleep.
Mx
No Fear of Fashion
As you know I am past menopause for a long time now and I own myself as well. I like myself and my body so much more than when I was 35. And at that age my skin was still firm instead of flabby.
Great to hear that you are in your best place as well. And the dress you are wearing is sooo beautiful. I wish they had a clothes rental service here. It would be my answer to a lot.
Greetje
MT
Isn’t it surprising we can feel our best when society is constantly telling us we are at our worst? Hahaha yeah whatever 😉
Greetje I’m trying to find somewhere near you that rents. I’ll keep you posted on that. There is a growing movement in clothes swapping over your way so you may find that more useful. You should contact Berlin Swap Society and ask if they tour.
No Fear of Fashion
hmmm swapping is like second-hand. I sometimes find something, but not that often. I think the market is too small for designer clothes rental in the Netherlands. But if you do find something, yes please email me.
Greetje
Kiki
Dear Michelle & Lisa
I just wanted to say thank you as it is so nice to hear a completely honest and raw account of peri menopause.
I am 40 and this year I have been to the doctors and a & e on a number of occasions because I think I’m having a heart attack or something else sinister but I’m still alive and now I believe it is the peri-menopause that is making my life so out of control.
I too have the hot flushes but also very cold flushes after too, the dizziness, the anxiety, the crippling worry that something bad is happening to me especially during the time I am still having my period. My brain doesn’t function at all nowadays and I cannot control my moods at all, I never know when I’m going to be happy, sad or grumpy and neither do my family which is not fun for anyone. My husband will probably leave me in the next few years if my mood swings don’t improve and also if my libido doesn’t return as it’s basically non existent. I have a nice job and a great family but this peri-menopause has completely messed my entire life up and it is utterly horrific. I have been tested for everything between thyroid problems and glandular fever because of the fatigue and other symptoms but everything has come back negative which I suppose is good but it didn’t give me any answers. Reading your blogs have assured me that in fact I am not going utterly crazy but that I am indeed in the peri-menopause stage. I have yet another doctors appointment booked for a few weeks time where armed with all this information I’m going to tell them what I think. Thank you for the blogs, they’ve been enlightening.x
MT
Hi Kiki, (that’s my daughter’s nickname!)
First I must apologise for my very late reply to your comment, my brother was visiting from Australia with his family and I took an extended break from the blog to focus on them.
Now I wonder how your doctors appointment turned out and if you got some action in terms of meds? It’s funny, lately I’ve been forgetting to change my HRT patch and consequently the symptoms return which then reminds me “Wahhhh I forgot to change my patch!” The irony of a poor memory from menopause I guess? Suffice to say HRT improves my quality of life 100% and I have no plans to quit any time soon. Of course it isn’t for everyone but perhaps, in your case, worth a try?
I also want to address your low libido because I sense your anxiety (perhaps even guilt?) towards your husband and I worry that your marriage is at breaking point. I know exactly how that feels. It’s a shame to say but I really don’t think men understand how serious menopause symptoms are for us. They tend to dismiss our feelings and sometimes even blame us for not being able to control our emotions which is ridiculous! You know if men got menopause there would be a cure for it already 😉
My libido was non existent for a very long time and it did affect my marriage, seriously. Not having sex for long periods of time caused arguments and tension between us grew. When I finally did start taking HRT my libido returned along with some clarity. I started talking to my husband about how I really felt, I also made an effort to listen to his perspective, which I hadn’t been doing before and pretty soon we were back on track again. Although that’s not say it’s always great but that’s OK when you can have a laugh.
Stay in touch, I’m thinking of you x
Becky
Thanks for writing so honestly about your journey – one that I am still in the middle of. Just wondering: did your tinnitus ever settle down? It’s one of my worst symptoms at the moment.
MT
Hi Becky, Ugh the tinnitus is awful isn’t it? OK so it did settle down but…when I’m tired or ill it comes back with a vengeance I’m sorry to say. Sleep is your friend and remember to stay hydrated, I’m rubbish at drinking water and it’s the easiest thing to control. Hydrate hydrate hydrate! Mx
Cheryl
Omg thank you so much, I’m 43 and I’ve known for a good yr or so that I’m peri, heavy periods which made me anemic (which docs say ye it’s normal after birth of son, and at your age etc…), my anxiety is through the roof, paid for hypnotherapy about to do CBT as docs say it will help. The awful thoughts I have that could happen to us as family is horrific, ie. Going along motorway and if a car comes over a bridge and falls on us as we drive underneath) I mean what the hell??? Hot and cold flushes and night sweats… The biggest biggest symptom is insomnia, longest time is 7 days with an hr sleep each day 🙁 docs say it’s anxiety!!!!! But I now have a doc that is willing to fit mirena and put me on patches, which ok sounds great but I’m truly scared. I have a prolapse too and terrified it’s just gonna be pain, I’m on mini pill at mo which has stopped my periods but I’m just lost what to do but I know that I can’t go on like this…is there a way to do it without the mirena?
MT
Oh Cheryl I’m so sorry this is just horrendous. It sounds so familiar and I also understand your frustration with doctors. I tried the Mirena but unfortunately it was not right for me so I had it removed. It does work brilliantly for many women but there’s really no way to know if you’ll be one of them or like me. I had continuous bleeding for months. Have a scroll through some of my other Menoposts for more info on that, click Beauty in the menu categories and then click the drop-down menu where you’ll see Menopause.
I urge you to read the comments sections too. There’s some excellent advice and incredible insight from other readers.
Have you considered taking your hrt combination orally and patches? That worked brilliantly for me for years but you must be diligent, don’t skip days or you’ll be thrown out of sync and bring on all manner of symptoms.
And remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE…
Take care, Mx